Attaching strings…

You make me happy. And you’re kind. You’ve never put me down. Or made me feel like shit. We understand each other and you’re not pushy… You’re gentle, and when you held me, it was as though I was a fragile glass, you didnt want to leave a smudge. You held me as if nothing in that moment mattered.
“This is a lot of trust, soo much trust!” you told me. I like that you trust me. Or rather trusted me… Fuck! There wasn’t meant to be any feelings involved! And yet I find myself regretting my promise…

I like that you tell me things no one else knows… I like that you’re enthusiastic to see me. I like that you’re risking A LOT. For me… I like the faces you make. I like your laugh when I say something I should. I love teasing you. But most of all I like how you never judged me… Never made me feel like nothing.

You weren’t lying when you said you won’t push it… And I hate the fact that my past is ruining my future. I hate that I turned around, when I said I wouldn’t walk backwards…

You’ll never see this, but my dream. The one you asked me about, was of you indri dicing me to your friends… You held my hand, and one by one, named them in front of me. A friend once told me that dreams mean something…

I know this was suppose to be a no strings attached situation… But I think I hooked them in, and now I can only see your back as you walk away, unwinding the string as you go.

I think I want to pull you back in. I don’t want this to end…
I think I already developed feelings…

Familiarity.

I guess when you’ve been with someone for so long, his hard not talking to them when you see them…

It’s hard not smiling at him, its hard not kissing him hello or msging him every second. Its hard not looking out in the playground for him. And its even harder to act as though you’re strong 24/7.
I guess you could call it love. For the 10 months i was with you, i believed i loved you. We talked about everything, and planned our future. We were too focused on our future and not worrying about the present, assuming we would make it that far. Assuming… That’s a funny word. A word we threw around, back and forth, accusing each other of assuming.

When did we become so bitter and cold? When did it become easier to hate then it was to love? We work better as friends. Or hook up buddies. But we know hook up buddies never works… We tried that remember? And it just sucked us back into a relationship. A relationship that we dreaded but could never leave.

I’m leaving. I’m walking away. And i cant come back. If we run into each other, i’ll smile and stop. I’ll ask how your life turned out without me, and i’ll congradulate you for your accomplishments, and i’ll tell you about the way my life curved into what it is now. I’ll walk away with a smile, remembering the love we shared and the lessons you taught me. I’ll walk away wishing you the best as you move forward. The memories I shared with you, will be moments that i wrote about in my teenage journal. I’ll tell my children about you, and how we fell in love the wrong way and at the wrong time. I’ll teach them that timing, is everything, and that falling in love, is scary and will always be a bumpy ride, but the rush is one they’ll never forget.

You will be a memory. I will not be upset that it ended the way it did, but rather happy it happened… Familiarity is funny, it plays with your mind, trying to convince your heart it’s right. But one should never be with someone, or rather stay with someone because it’s familiar. That would be staying for the wrong reasons…
And so, I’m leaving for the right reasons… You just have to realise that…

He kissed my neck.

The first time you kissed my neck without meaning to, I knew I was a goner! But the relationship started with lust, and therefore must always continue with lust.. And as much as you drive me crazy with your mouth and your hands… You can’t base a marriage around that.

Thank you, for reminding me that I am worth more then backseat fuck arounds. And sneaking round from each others houses…

I want surprise, excitement, adventure, laughter, friendship, love. Pure and awesome love. And I’ll find it one day. I’ve just got to stop looking. Who knows maybe its staring right at me.
I think I’ll go to the library and church. And bump into someone there :) maybe I’ll find the man of my dreams there. Maybe. No men, no boyfriends, no seeing each other, no dating, no making out, just no men.

I’ve been with boys all my life, it’s time to find me some men. Or rather mAn.